Crystal Miranda
Professor Hayes
English 1A.15
27 September 2013
Essay 1: Placing
Oneself, Review Draft
Word Count: 577
The Sunday after a party at my Aunt Josy’s and Uncle Luis’
house in Atwater is always calm and relaxed. It begins as the morning glow starts
to peek through the battered, red drapes and into the living room, exposing
makeshift beds in which my cousins and I will nurse our hangovers until noon. From
here, I have a clear view of the kitchen because there is no wall to separate
it from the living room. My Aunt Josy is always the first one awake and the
kitchen is her first destination. She spends all morning compulsively making
eggs, French toast, and reheating the dinner from the night before. Around 8:30
am, my dad emerges from one of the bedrooms and quietly makes his way to the
door, closing it slowly behind him so no one is woken up. When he returns, he
will have two pink boxes filled with doughnuts, a tradition he started and
continues to honor. The people who have to work that day hastily try to step
around us as they prepare for the two-hour drive back to the Bay Area.
As the frosty morning fades into a humid afternoon, the last
of us finally wake up. Some of us gather around the counter table, reliving the
night before through each other’s vicarious tales over milk, doughnuts, and
anything else we might find on the cluttered countertop. The counter table is
surrounded by only three wooden stools, so most of us stand while we eat. Two
Yorkies scavenge the area around our feet, hoping for the careless among us to
spill a few crumbs. My cousin Alonzo, their owner, has to keep calling them
away from us, fearing that they might ingest something that could make them
sick. Eventually, he gets up from the couch he has been monopolizing, scoops them
both into one of his arms, and lays back on the couch with them. When we are
finished eating, some of us lay down on our blankets again while the rest of us
sit on the other couch. Both couches are worn down, not from maltreatment, but
from years of my aunt and uncle’s generous hospitality.
The house remains dim throughout most of the afternoon, with
the only light sources shining from the windows and a single light in the
kitchen. The dull lighting makes the temperature of the house seem cooler, a
refuge from the sweltering Atwater weather for us Bay Area natives. Outside,
the children play in the pool. My brothers and some of my cousins usually join
them. A couple of my aunts and uncles sit under the shade of a tree and chat
while they babysit the younger children.
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| Figure 1. My brother and cousins playing in the pool. |
I spend the rest of the afternoon in the living room,
accompanied by the others who chose not to spend their day baking under the
scorching sun. The television is turned on, but no one is watching because our
conversations are more entertaining.
As the afternoon drifts into early evening, more people
start heading home. The house slowly becomes quieter and lonelier. My dad,
brothers, and I are usually among the last to leave. Reluctantly, we stuff our
backpacks and suitcases in our car and thank my aunt and uncle for everything
they have done for us. As we drive away and their house is hidden behind an
array of trees, I am already looking forward to the next party that will be
followed by the Sundays like these.

Hi Crystal,
ReplyDeleteI like your description of Sunday life after a party. The most part I enjoyed is the time you witness your aunt preparing breakfasts or brunch for you and your family through the open kitchen. And your dad secretly brought some donuts when your family still sleeping. I like this sense because it shows a kind of relationship of your family. The elements are warm, sweet, and care. Your parent and your aunt waked up earlier for you and prepared a good meal. They sacrificed their treasure sleep time and care about you and other members.
I think the primary audience of your essay is your family and relatives because this sense is quite personal and other people are not easily to access to your place. So, your essay would be a sense to share what you see and what you think of the effort of your family and relatives. The second audience would be the family members who rarely concern about the effort their parents made and the efforts they given.
The purpose of the writer is to convince the reader to enjoy the Sunday with their family at home. You use I and we to appeal your reader and many of good words to describe the sense and food.
Reverse outline:
Par 1 Description of the house and what your family done in the morning.
Par 2 Description the family time in the afternoon and the view of enjoying meal.
Par 3 Continued description of paragraph two.
Par 4 Description of the early evening and everyone prepare to leave.